


For the Rest of Us

by EeveeNicks



Category: Metroid Series, Seinfeld
Genre: Festivus, Fictional Holidays, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Holidays, Metroid - Freeform, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2016-12-22
Packaged: 2018-09-11 02:31:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8950435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EeveeNicks/pseuds/EeveeNicks
Summary: General Adam Malkovich finds himself unable to travel home for the holidays. There's too much paperwork to do after the destruction of Phaaze, and the Space Pirate War is still raging on. As he sits alone in his office one night, he gets a surprise visit from bounty hunter Samus Aran, who insists on giving him a happy holiday whether he likes it or not.





	

It was late as Adam Malkovich sat in his office looking over paperwork from the past couple of months. Chairman Keaton and the other high-up Federation officials had recently declared an official end to the Phazon Crisis that had been raging for the past three years, and as great as it was to know they had been victorious against Metroid Prime and the Space Pirates, the declaration had brought with it mountains of paperwork. And of course, the vast majority of it had fallen straight into General Malkovich's inbox. It seemed anytime someone blew up a planet, including an evil sentient planet that produced the deadly radioactive Phazon, he'd end up getting the brunt of the related clearance forms.

He glanced over to the unlit Menorah on his windowsill. Nine candles stared back at him, their wicks already black and their wax runny. He had not been able to get back to Earth in time to celebrate Hanukkah with his family, and Christmas was just around the corner as well. It looked like it was going to be yet another holiday season he'd have to spend up in his office at Federation Headquarters. That had become the norm since he had been promoted to General about five years back, just before they had managed to infiltrate the Space Pirate stronghold on Zebes.

The Space Pirate War had been growing in intensity the past few years, and things had taken a sharp turn for the worst at the beginning of the Phazon Crisis. The biggest hit to the Federation had come about a month back when a blast from an entity humorlessly called "Dark Samus" had dealt a mortal blow to four of the most powerful mercenaries the Federation had on its payroll. Three had ended up mentally succumbing to the effects of Phazon and turning on their former allies, aligning themselves with Dark Samus.

The fourth, a woman named Samus Aran, had fallen into a deep coma for a month as a result of the attack. It had been touch and go for a while, but she had awoken from her slumber in the nick of time and had soldiered off to take on the army of Dark Samus, including the three corrupted bounty hunters. In the end, she had not only completed the initial mission, but she had also managed to destroy the planet Phaaze, the source of Phazon to begin with. Since its destruction, no other traces of the corrosive radioactive substance had been found anywhere else in the galaxy, and after an appropriate investigation, Chairman Keaton had declared an end to the war. All that remained was the paperwork.

If Adam had been a less stoic man, he would have smiled to himself as he recalled Samus Aran returning after her triumph against her dark doppelganger. People had wondered how she had been able to survive the phazon corruption and maintain her wits about her while the other three powerful hunters had fallen to it. The truth was that Adam knew exactly why. Having served as her commanding officer for her brief time in the Federation Army, Adam knew Samus Aran better than anyone. Simply put, she was a ridiculously stubborn individual, and it would take far more to break her will than an average person's. While it had meant she was a headache and certainly would never win any Soldier of the Year awards, he had always admired that about her and known it would serve her well in her career as a mercenary.

The General looked up as he heard a soft rapping on his office door. Looking up, something of a smirk formed on his face as he noticed the tall blonde woman standing in his doorway. Dressed in a red sweater and a pair of blue jeans, she looked like she could have been any average person. The only thing that gave away her identity was the very subtle vein-like scarring around one of her blue eyes; the last identifying remainder of her phazon infection.

"Think of the devil," the General said softly as he regarded the woman, "and he shall appear. To what do I owe this visit, Lady?"

The blonde woman smiled as she sauntered into his office and shrugged, taking note of the austere walls and dimly lit computer screens. "I was bored and figured I'd drop by. I knew you'd probably be here all night."

"Are you supposed to be wandering about like this?" Adam asked, noting the red medical bracelet around her wrist. Last he had heard, she was supposed to be in the infirmary for a few more days until they could determine she was no longer radioactive, contagious, or in peril of losing her mind to the lingering effects of the corruption.

She shrugged again, pulled out a seat, and sat across his desk from him. "Technically no."

The General raised an eyebrow. "Who let you out then?"

"It's more like 'who tried to stop me?' The answer is 'nobody.'"

"Glad to know you felt like stopping by and making me an accessory to your insubordination, Samus."

Samus laughed humorlessly and shook her head. "Three weeks I've been in that prison you call a quarantine bay. I was starting to go mad, and no, it's not the lingering effects of that radioactive crap. I just don't like being locked up." She made a face and glanced over his shoulder at the lonely looking Menorah. "I guess I missed all of your holidays and stuff?"

Adam shook his head as he looked between his computer screens. "Christmas hasn't happened yet, but I know I won't make it back to Earth in time for that one either. Too much work to do here because someone had to go and blow up a planet."

"Heh," the bounty hunter leaned back in her chair and propped her boots up on the General's desk. "Go figure."

"Indeed."

"I never really did celebrate human holidays except for those few times you and your family had me over. It was nice. It's a shame you have to miss out on it."

The General nodded, scrolling through his emails and trying to get an idea of how many more he needed to get through before he could retire for the night. "It comes with the territory. I'm a general, and we're at war. Sometimes you just don't get to go home for the holidays."

"Wouldn't know. Haven't had a home in years." She looked up at the ceiling and thought for a moment. "You've got a lot of holidays around this time of year though, right? Humans are always celebrating something. Is there one going on tonight maybe? Something we could celebrate before I have to sneak back into the infirmary and pretend I've been there this whole time?"

The General grunted in annoyance as he looked through the bottomless inbox on his screen. As much as he would have liked to take some time to catch up with Samus, he really didn't have time. Glancing at his clock, he noticed it was just after midnight, and by Earth dates, it was now December 23rd. Her knowledge of human customs and media had never been very good, and he could probably get away with making up anything and calling it a holiday. "Well, Lady, if you go fetch me an aluminum pole we can do Festivus."

"Festivus? Never heard of it. Is that even a real holiday?"

"As real as First Contact Day or Merlinpeen. But if we're going to do it, we need an aluminum pole. Go get one, Samus." He knew it was not actually a real holiday, just something he had seen on a television show that Samus would not have been familiar with. For all intents and purposes, he just needed something to distract her so he could get back to what he was doing and hopefully be able to get a couple of hours of sleep that night before having to wake up and do it all again.

The bounty hunter made a face. "Aluminum pole, huh? Why do I feel like this is some kind of ploy to get me out of your hair? If that's what you wanted, you could have just said it, you know." She grunted as she stood up and stormed toward the door.

Adam sighed. He could have told her to leave in a more polite fashion, but he also knew that probably would not have worked. If anything, she probably would have stuck around longer trying to get him to take a break from his work. She didn't understand why he insisted on sitting long hours at a desk staring at a screen even after everyone else had gone home to their families. Not that she had a leg to stand on accusing him of being a workaholic. She was every bit as bad as he was, and if she had not been in a coma for that month, she probably would not have slept a wink during it.

Tiredly, he returned to his work, signing off on important documents and verifying times and locations of different events. It seemed like the Federation wanted him to remember and verify every aspect of the Phazon Crisis, and sometimes he wondered just what it was they expected of him. After all, Admiral Dane and the Federation Marines had been much closer to this incident than anyone in the Army had.

It was nearing two in the morning when his vision began to blur too badly to see the screen anymore. Adam yawned as he looked through the progress he had made and the mountains of work he still had to overcome. He was just about to call it quits for the night when he once again heard a soft rapping on his office door.

"Lady?" he asked, looking up to see Samus standing in the doorway. He was surprised to see her back so soon, and he was even more surprised to see she had brought a six-foot tall aluminum pole with her. "You… actually went and got a pole?"

The bounty hunter smirked as she walked toward his desk. "Figured it would surprise you."

"You actually did something I told you to… it's a Festivus miracle."

"So are we doing this thing or not?"

"What thing?"

She glared at him in annoyance. "This Festivus thing. Are we doing this or not? Because I need to get back to quarantine at some point."

Adam sighed and shook his head as he powered down his computers. "Where did you get an aluminum pole from?"

"Ask me no questions," she said with a mischievous grin, "and I shall tell you no lies. Seriously, I don't want to make you an accessory to what I just did to get this."

Adam was not sure if she was serious or not but decided he did not want to find out. "Fine, I guess we can do Festivus. I'm not really sure how well this is going to work out though. It's really a waste of time if you ask me… I need to go to sleep and you need to go back to quarantine."

"Don't be such an Ebenezer Scrooge McDuck! You're obviously sad you're missing all those holidays with your family. I'm trying to help and give you this one lousy thing. You could at least say thank you. I'm risking them figuring out I escaped to be here for you." She frowned and did not seem aware that she had butchered her Christmas Carol reference, but Adam was not sure she'd ever even seen the classic play.

"All right," he said with a sigh, looking between the bounty hunter and the aluminum pole. "Where do I begin? Festivus is a sort of alternative to Christmas. Legend has it that there was once a man named 'Frank Costanza' who had wanted to buy a doll for his son as a gift for the holidays." He left out that the story of Festivus was not actually a legend so much as an episode of the twentieth century sitcom  _Seinfeld_  that had been adapted into plays and movies multiple times over the past two centuries. "As he and another shopper reached for the last doll on the shelves, they got into a violent altercation, and as he rained blows upon the other man, Costanza realized there had to be a better way to celebrate the holidays."

Samus listened, intrigued as she sat back down in her chair, laying the pole across her lap.

"It was then he decided," Adam continued, "to create a new holiday. A Fesitvus for the rest of us that was free of commercialism and could allow him to celebrate with his family in the way he chose. So on December 23rd, it is traditional to have Festivus dinner around an aluminum pole and tell everyone all of the ways they disappointed you in the preceding year. The celebration ends when someone can wrestle and pin the head of the household. These traditions are known as the 'Airing of Grievances' and the "Feats of Strength.'"

Samus's face fell as she stared at Adam. "That is the stupidest holiday I have ever heard of."

"You're the one who insisted I explain Festivus to you."

"Do people actually do that? Seriously? What is wrong with Earth humans? I'm so disappointed in this."

The General smiled sardonically. "That's the spirit."

Samus stared at him for a moment before she shot up out of her chair, brandishing the pole over her head as she turned around to face the door. "I'm so disappointed with all of this! I'm mad I have to stay in quarantine! I'm mad a giant Metroid decided to clone me and attack the Federation! I hate that I had to kill three of my fellow bounty hunters, and I hate that even though the Phazon Crisis is over we still have to fight the Space Pirate War!" Pointing the pole into the hallway, she continued, "and I've got a lot of problems with all you people who got to go home early and leave Adam here doing all the work!"

The General stared quietly at her as she turned back to face him.

"I take that back," she said with a small smile. "That actually felt pretty good. Maybe your holiday isn't so dumb after all."

Adam laughed. "I'll admit, I wasn't expecting you to actually do that."

"Your turn." The bounty hunter reached across the desk and handed him the aluminum pole.

Taking the pole, Adam stared at her questioningly. "I'm not sure I have anything to say."

Samus raised an eyebrow. "Of course you do. I'm sure there's been a whole bunch of things that have disappointed you this year."

Adam looked at the aluminum pole in his hands. He had not expected to be doing this tonight. It was completely ridiculous, and celebrating a made up holiday with Samus Aran had definitely never been something he thought he'd ever be doing. Awkwardly, he raised the pole above his head and looked her in the eyes. "I'm mad at all this paperwork."

"What else?"

He swallowed hard. "I'm mad that I'm still here, two nights before Christmas and I don't know when I'll be able to see my wife and daughters again. I'm mad that the Federation still hasn't been able to win the Space Pirate War, and I'm extremely angry their scientists almost killed you by fitting your armor with a Phazon Enhancement Device. I'm mad at all of the ridiculous incompetence around here!"

Samus grinned as she reached back and took the pole from Adam, who had been all but shouting when he finished airing his grievances. "Feels pretty good, doesn't it?"

The General nodded, surprised to realize just how frustrated he had been with everything. "I never thought I'd find waving a big stick over my head and shouting to help with anything, but I stand corrected."

"Sometimes letting go and shouting at things helps."

"I guess it does." He glanced at the time once more. "It's almost two in the morning. We'd both better get going. Thank you for a very interesting night, Lady. It's been the best Festivus I've ever celebrated." He wondered how long it would be before she figured out it wasn't a real holiday.

"What are you talking about?" she asked with a devilish grin. "It's not over. We haven't even done the Feats of Strength yet."

"I… don't think I have any interest in trying to wrestle you."

The bounty hunter laughed. "Why not, Adam? Afraid I'll win?"

"Not afraid you'll win, Lady," he said softly. "I know you will. By a lot. And I'm not young anymore, and my back is not happy with me for sitting at this desk for…" He glanced at the clock. "The past fifteen hours with barely any breaks."

Samus frowned and feigned sadness. "Fine. I'll just call the victory for me early, and you make sure you're in better shape for next Festivus."

"Next Festivus?"

She nodded. "If these idiots at the Federation ever keep you away from your family for the holidays again, you better know I'm gonna be here, aluminum pole a-blazing, just so you won't have to be alone for all of the holidays again."

The General chuckled. "Thank you, Samus. You're like the Santa Claus of grievance airing."

The bounty hunter smiled. "If that's what you want to call it, sure. I'm that."

With one last glance at the clock, Adam bid the bounty hunter goodnight and sent her back on her way to the infirmary as he packed up his things for the evening. He had to be back at work again in five hours, and he wanted to get as much sleep as he could in that small window. He knew he needed it.

He laughed quietly to himself as he thought of his ridiculous encounter with the mercenary. She was not normally so silly and he could only imagine how bored she had been locked up in quarantine for the past few weeks. He decided that maybe, in the morning, he'd demand they expedite the process of letting her get out of there and go back to whatever planet she felt like calling home that day.

 


End file.
